Psalm Isadora Yoga

Killing my Karmas: Rebirth by Water and Fire in the City of Light
by Psalm Isadora
November 19, 2010
Varanasi, city of light, India

I wake up in a panic, hot and sticky from an afternoon nap. We have reached the end of the world now. There is nowhere to go from here.

Here is a small hostel room in Varanasi, the oldest living city in the world. People come here to die, to pray to the holy Mother Ganges River to cleanse their karma, the negative things inside them, so they can die and be free in re-birth. I watched a body burn this morning. I saw an unattached leg be in the fire with the logs. I watched as the fire licked away at the toes until the foot was a stump. Burning, burning, all is burning.

I look out the metal grates of my windows with the hard afternoon sun shining through. This is my least favorite time of day. It is hot and dusty before the change time when the sky becomes cool and soft as it surrenders itself to the night in dove grey twilight. I stand up and see my naked body in the mirror. I look a year older than the last time I was here. Isn't that the nature of things, to mature, ripen and decay? Skin softening and wrinkling like the skin of a fruit as wisdom comes with years.

Rohan lies next to me sleeping. His body is so long, slim, smooth and dark. I remember when I first met him as a waiter down south in Kerala; he walked like an elegant, awkward giraffe. He is sleeping and his waist is wrapped in a lungi, a long piece of fabric they wear in south India instead of pants. His is the color of rust with a bright golden band of saffron bordering the top and bottom. His upper arm has the outline of a tattoo begun but never finished. His face sleeping is like a dark cherub with full brown lips. He once had malaria.

I feel feverish today. I wouldn't mind a fever to cleanse and purge. I went on a sunrise boat ride this morning in the land where heaven and earth meet. The living and the dead cross paths on the shores of the Ganges. Death is naked here; she does not hide her face as she does in America, where corpses are hidden out of shame and fear. I wonder, if I rip out my guts telling my story, will anybody care? Will it change the world? I am driven by something unholy to be here, to write. I pray to the god of heaven, earth and the holy river that it will make a difference to someone, that it will make a difference to myself. Will I be shriven? I like that word, it means forgiven.

On one side of the Ganges is the land of the living, busy with temples and burning ghats. It is noisy here with the shouts of the temple hawkers selling flowers and candles - the paraphernalia of redemption. On the other shore there is nothing, it is the ghost land the spirits cross to after they are burned. The good part is hearing skulls crack when the body is nearly burned. This is when the spirit is released. It looks blank and hazy on that shore. We took the boat there this morning. It was an empty beach of sand with palm trees in the distance. There was trash littered by tourists and dogs begging for crumbs.

Pilgrims dunk themselves in the river to be washed of their karma. It reminds me of the Christian baptisms of my childhood. I loved them. I wanted to be sure I was saved. I still believed in things like that then. At the end of the earth there is a cross roads between the living and the dead. There are people praying to be released of their regrets. They pray to be washed of their karmas, known and unknown. I have come to the mouth of the river to write my story, the story of my ancestors and my family. Our fates are braided together in this life. I come naked of offerings, no flowers or incense, just the burning of my soul in this world-weary body.

When I came back from the boat ride to heaven, I ate an omelet and then slept on a cushion in the sun on the deck. I had a vision of how everything connected. I saw myself rising out of the Ganges wrapped in blood red fabric next to a stone temple with carvings. I finally understood why I was born to such difficult parents, why I endured so much pain. I wanted the spiritual trip. I wonder if my own son would realize the same thing when he thought of the tough times his mother has put him through.

Standing next to the burning ghat, a little boy asked me what my tattoo was. It is a snake in a perfect circle eating its own tail. I say it is Shakti, the primal sacred mother who created and destroys the world, eating herself. Life, death and re-birth through her sacred, smoldering yoni. We stand next to the pyre and watch fire consume bodies. There is no escaping this truth, so I have come to sustain the gaze with my naked eyes. Are there people somewhere who don't burn like this?

I read what I have written to Rohan when he wakes up. I tell him he will be in my book. "All the world will be in your book," he says, "the burning ghat, the Shakti, the coming and going". He is silent for a moment. "Sometimes with our eyes we see something beautiful and don't see how difficult it will be. The sun was beautiful this morning, but the burning body was hard to see. This is truth, no?" "Yes, this is truth," I say, "Satya".
"Truth is pain though, truth is hard, no?"
"Yes," I agree, "it can be, but the truth will make you free."
I have come to tell the stories that I have kept inside for so long.

Rohan asks if we have hard things to see everywhere in the world. I say yes, but in America we hide dead bodies in wooden boxes because no one wants to see them. We put fancy clothes and makeup on corpses. Rohan says that here the corpses have the clothes removed and that men are laid down on their backs and women on their stomachs, the opposite. I have come to Varanasi, the city of lights to cleanse my karmas, to wash my stories in the sacred river and let them burn, to be baptized and reborn. My body, precious to me now, will someday be a piece of kindling. My story is precious to me, but it is the same as every other story, in the end.

Where does the shadow live?

From when we are little children, we learn to hide parts of ourselves that are not "acceptable". Especially if there is trauma, we learn to hide our emotions to survive. These emotions are not allowed to see the light of day. We learn to be afraid of exposing the "weaker" parts of ourselves for fear of rejection, judgment and punishment. Because we hide them we keep them in the dark and they become shadowy forms living in the cave of our own subconscious mind.

Many of us know the Greek mythology story of Medusa, the female monster with a head of poisonous snakes. In the story she lives in a cave and if anyone looks at her, they will turn to stone. But the part of the story that has been forgotten is what turned her into a monster. Before Medusa was a monster, she was a beautiful priestess in the temple of Athena. Because of her great beauty, she was desired and raped by Neptune. Her rage from this abuse turned her into a monster. The monster was hidden in the cave, and people were afraid of it. One day a hero, Perseus, came to fight the monster. In the story, he defeats his enemy and severs her head.


What if instead of trying to kill the monster, the hero saw her wound, her pain and comforted her? Held her while she showed her anger and tears, until she was emptied. The monster would have melted, and her hidden beauty revealed. How we approach the cave, the subconscious, is very important in how we are able to integrate our shadows, and the quality of our waking lives.

There are five parts to this symbolism;

The Monster, the "shadow" side of our persona that we keep hidden Where we have been hurt and wounded, often from childhood, we hide our complicated feelings and emotions to survive. We hide what is not "acceptable" to our families, our societies. The fear and shame becomes crippled and twisted, like a monster we are afraid to see, or to let other people see. The more we suppress it, the more it becomes dense, like dark matter, it becomes like a spirit living inside of us.

The Hero, the "light" side of our persona that we project We have a projected self, the one we want people to see. This hero is an actor we send forward into the world, into our relationships. The hero is our "good" side, the one that we think is lovable, the one that "fits in".

The Mask, the unexamined emotions that possess us when unleashed There are parts of ourselves we keep hidden, even from ourselves. We cannot "see" these aspects of ourselves because we are afraid of our own reflection. These suppressed aspects become unconscious triggers and motivations for our desires, choices, patterns and reactions. Self-reflection and self-inquiry are necessary to become whole, to accept and love our wholeness. The longer we have hidden and suppressed an emotion like anger, the more forceful the release of it is. Because the emotion has to push through so much denial, it surfaces with great force, like a volcano. We lose the control we cling to so desperately and we become possessed by the mask of emotion.

The Cave, the subconscious mind Here we feel safe to hide the wounded parts of ourselves, but the cave becomes our prison as well as our sanctuary.

The Meeting, of the hero and the monster, the "light" and "dark" aspects of our persona Mystery schools have always recognized the sacred nature of duality. The yin and yang symbol represent the interconnectedness of the conscious and subconscious. Instead of trying to cut off the hidden parts of ourselves, we can change the story and embrace our shadow. In our shadow lies our hidden potential.

How can we meet our shadow?

How can we re-enter the cave, to re-humanize our hidden wounds and emotions hiding in the subconscious? First it is important to notice that the subconscious is always identified as dark. We are afraid of the dark, because we cannot see with our normal vision. When we were children we were afraid of boogiemen in the closet when we went to sleep. In sleep we travel to the land of the subconscious. Here our language is images and symbols. Dream state is an altered state of consciousness. Sleep has been called, "le petite mort", the little death. But most of us are afraid of death, even though it is a natural part of life...death is the agreement with birth. It is difficult to surrender the conscious "light" to the subconscious "dark". We have to let go of control. The Goddess of death in India is Kali. She is depicted as black in color. The great Indian saint Ramakrishna was asked, "Why is Kali black?". He answered, "People only think she is black because they stand so far away. She is all the colors." Like the night sky which looks dark, but which extends to the infinite and contains all the light of the stars. When we stand far away from our shadow, we project into the darkness, demonizing it as black or evil and scary. When we can embrace our shadow, we feel our wholeness.

Cave or womb?
Darkness can also feel comforting. We can embrace the darkness of the subconscious as our womb for healing and re-birth. This key unlocks the cave from being a prison that keeps us trapped. The Native American Lakota tradition uses sweat lodge ceremony as a way of returning to the darkness and heat of the mother's womb. I remember my first sweat lodge, crawling on my hands and knees to enter the dome structure. Before I entered a lot of my fears came up as projections into the darkness. At first I had a hard time breathing in the heat of the steam, it was like an anxiety attack with so many thoughts running through my mind and panic about not getting enough air. The sweat leader said to breath with my heart not my head. I felt angry, and I did not want to see my anger, because I thought I was not an angry person. When I struggled with the anger, I could not breath. When I surrendered to the feeling, the anger gave way to a flood of tears. I began to cry, weeping with my face in the earth, praying for healing and change that I had been too proud to ask for. I realized I would have to let go of my survival strategies if I truly wanted to heal my traumas and grow. This frightened me, I was very afraid of being hurt again. But I realized I had to surrender to the darkness, to the womb, to the mystery of what I could not control. To receive the healing I came to pray for. I had to see and feel my anger, my sadness, I had to be strong enough to hold them myself before I could forgive those who had not been strong enough and had hurt me. I had to hold the hurt little girl inside me and accept all parts of myself with love and compassion.

It was the journey into darkness that allowed me to open my subconscious mind, where the seeds of karma are stored. The subconscious is like the matrix of creation, from there we can radically re-write our agreements and be re-born.

"Inside this new love, die. Your way begins on the other side...You are covered with thick cloud. Slide out the side. Die, and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign that you have died. Your old life was a frantic running from silence. The speechless full moon comes out now." - Rumi

True listening is a meditation

Listening can feel like death, to truly listen is to let the ego die. Listening is creating space, talking is filling it. If you really listen, you are not waiting to speak and add your own experiences, you are total in your involvement with the other. This is a form of meditation, to listen and let your own thoughts drop away, one by one, as they arise from the endless waves of your own mind. Then you can disappear into the other, the one you are listening to. You can even listen to nature, to a tree, to the ocean. Listen to their sounds, their feeling. Everything is speaking. Everything is telling a story.

Listen with more than your ears, listen with your eyes, your touch, your taste, your smell. This is a beautiful way of listening to your friends and lovers. They are God's mirror reflecting you to yourself. You must quiet your mind, become still like the surface of a lake in the moonlight to see your reflection clearly. It is a way of being, a way of letting go of doing. You don't just hear the other, you feel the other, from deep inside your own stillness.

Then your listening is a total experience, you can lose yourself. When you lose yourself, all you are really losing are your perceptions of yourself, these are blinding things, and deafening things too.

True listening threatens the ego

The ego is like the sun, it wants to shine, it wants to be seen, like a sword and shield. It's job is to protect, to stay between you and everything within and without you that it does not understand, or cannot control. Listening is like the moon, it sits inside itself, it is permeable, it is internal. You have to let go of protecting yourself and soften your edges to become vulnerable. Then you are not just listening to the other's words, you are receiving their whole being, their whole way of being in this moment, in your body. Listening is a form of penetration.

You have to sit deep inside yourself to really listen, you have to ground yourself in your own silence, in your own wholeness, to hear and become aware. Listening is receptive, it is the feminine energy that does not need to define itself through words because it feels truth, it's knowing is deep and instinctual.

Listening with the body

Listening is a form of prayer, a form of devotion. By listening, we come to know and understand the great mysteries of Creation. Instead of praying by asking for things, we can pray by listening and accepting the true nature of things. Then our prayers come from our awe of the magnitude of the ongoing Mystery we are all weaving-with the stories of our lives, the fabric of our bodies, the thread of breath running through.

Eating and sex

Everything is a form of praying. Eating and sex are a praying. Look at eating. You eat an apple. Most people eat it quickly because they think they are hungry, they take the apple into their body, chewing, distracted by thinking about something else. They are not paying attention to the apple, to the life and body of the apple. And when they are done, they throw away what is left, the core and seeds of the apple. This is eating like an animal, without consciousness. A prayerfulness would be to look at the apple, to smell the apple, to see the color and shape. To think of the tree and the earth and the rain and the sun. To think of the life of the apple as a creation of God, of everything. Everything is God, the apple is God. Then eating the apple is a kind of praying.

The apple is a proof of grace provided by Nature, proof of Intelligence sustaining your body. The Intelligence manifests itself in the creation of the apple and Intelligence manifests itself in the creation of you. Intelligence is one, manifested as many and all creation is caring for, providing for, itself. Just as the apple is providing for your nourishment in your body, and your body will one day provide for the nourishment of the apple tree.

Meditation Exercise- Mindful Eating

Take an apple, hold it in your hand, feel the skin of the apple on the skin of your hand. Become aware of the texture, the color, the shape and the weight of the apple. Be interested in the apple as a new experience, as a microcosm for the whole universe. Imagine the seed of this apple in the warm, dark soil. Imagine the rain that fell and woke it up from its sleep. Imagine the sun energy that helped it to blossom and grow into fruition. Be aware you are eating an apple. When you chew the apple, chew only the apple, not your ideas, memories, worries or fears. Be aware of your breath. Be aware of only this experience, let it wake you up.

Another way of true listening is through sex. Most people use sex to run away from themselves, to relieve themselves of stress and anxiety. This is okay, but it is not coming from the soul, it is coming from the animal body. If you have sex this way, you miss out on so much. You take the other person's body without really seeing it. You miss out on the miracle. In Tanta, sex is praying. The body is the wine and bread of God.

Look at the other person, see in them their whole life, not just their body life, but their soul life. You can see the movement of the soul through the eyes. When you look at their soul, you will see it is the same as yours. Then you will disappear. The ego does not like this, it fights to remain known and separate. When we are born, we learn to say "I am". Babies must learn to say "I am"...to know they are a boy or a girl, not a tree or an animal. But this is not the soul, the soul is always free of the body. The ego does not want to be forgotten, but when it is you experience a beautiful freedom, you become one again with the Infinite. What you have known, the finite self, melts into the infinite and unformed. You are back in the mysterious womb of creation. There is such joy in this moment, but we use all our strength of the mind to keep it from happening. But if you relax very deeply it will happen, it cannot help but happen. Relax by being with the other person deeply. Look at them, smell them and touch them. They are proof of the miracle of creation. Think of the ocean of days that has brought them here to this moment with you, the ocean of experiences and emotions. You have the same ocean in you. Can you hold the vulnerability of this nakedness? Not the nakedness of the body but of the soul.

Original Sense

Most people blind themselves, they hide from their nakedness and the other's nakedness, the nakedness of the body and the soul. This is the shame of original sin. We are afraid of our nakedness and we try to hide it, we exile ourselves from heaven with our shame and self consciousness. This comes from the ego. When you can see your lover's body is the body of God, then your lovemaking will be a deep listening, a praying. And when it is finished, you will not throw away the seeds from which your love can grow. Some disciples asked Jesus, "how will we know you?" he answered, "through movement and stillness". This is how we will come to know our soul, through movement and stillness, darkness and light, laughing and crying. Let your listening and your lovemaking be an activity of the soul, a moving and stillness: a prayerfulness.

Partner Tantra Exercise- Divine Eye and I

Sit across from your partner in a comfortable position. Become aware that you are breathing, become aware of the length and quality of each inhale and exhale. See the whole cosmos in your partner's eyes. Just relax. Just be aware you are breathing. Just be aware you are looking into your partner's eyes. Only look into their eyes, not your worries and fears or imagination. Let your thoughts come and go without struggle, just maintain awareness that you are breathing and maintaining the gaze. Let go of any expectations of yourself or your partner.

Take this cup of wine to your lips, it is the same as me
there is a slave opening the door to my heart
but a queen lives inside
the slave is what you see, my body, my mind
but the queen is my soul, the pure light illuminating everything from within.
oh my love, oh my soul
my body is the bread, my blood the wine
the only way to know me is to take me inside you
in this silence, listen to my heart
know me and be known

-psalm

This article is pulished in The Journey Magazine May/June 2009.

www.thejourneymag.com/images/pdf/05_06_2009.pdf

"I understand the wounds that have not healed in you. They exist because God and love have not yet become real enough To allow you to forgive the dream. You still listen to an old alley song that brings your body pain."
-Hafiz

The past is a dream. Memories are fluid reflections of how whole you feel in the present. When we feel whole, loved and powerful, it is easy to look back on even painful experiences and to find healing. When we feel alone, angry and helpless, we cling to our past disappointments, unable to release them and move on. The disappointments become part of our identity, and it is difficult to let go of your identity to move forward into the unknown. This is much easier when you feel you are moving towards something positive, when you feel loved and have faith in Goodness being the inherent nature of things. It takes a lot of strength to forgive the past, this strength comes from your spiritual practice.

Waking up and forgiving the dream

When you are unable to forgive the past, you keep living in the hold of that dream of how you wish things had been. You do not want to be woken up. When you are dreaming, you are asleep to the present moment and the contentment and joy it holds for you. "You still listen to an old alley song that brings your body pain" (Hafiz). You keep thinking, "This person hurt me", you think, "I am not whole because of how this person hurt me" and your ego thinks that is who you are.

Why would you choose to keep listening to that which brings you pain? Why not attune your ears to a new song, to the Highest possibility and to the limitless nature of Spirit?

Memories are like water:

In yogic philosophy, the hips and sexual organs are the seat of Swadhisthana chakra, the seat of feelings and the subconscious mind. This is where the mental impressions from all your life experiences are stored, and all the unborn karma kept. The karma repeats itself as subconscious habit energy until you become conscious of it. The element of this center is water. The way these impressions and memories are stored in the subconscious is likened to a water silo. If you walked by the same water silo every day for ten years and dropped in one object you collected, and after ten years you drained the water out the objects would not be the same. This is how the subconscious works, it is dynamic not static and your memories are like the changing objects. In yoga postures, you use the body to become aware of the subconscious. In a deep hip opener, you bring your awareness to the hips and allow yourself to breath through the sensations, thoughts and feelings as they rise. Memories bubble up from the subconscious and you are able to see them in the clear light of your meditation.

Small children are able the release feelings very quickly, crying one minute and laughing the next. They do not identify themselves as the emotions they are feeling or the experiences they are having. With adolescence comes puberty and the awakening of the consciousness in Swadhisthana, the sexual center. This is when the individual begins to create their identity around their emotions. "I am a depressed person" or "I am a popular person". In the spiritual path, we work to transcend our emotional adolescence and become mature, able to let our human feelings flow easily through us and simultaneously stay grounded in our unchanging spiritual center.

The kaleidoscope effect of perspective

"Well, that's one way of looking at it", my therapist responded after I told him about my past abuse and why that meant I was destined to suffer. I was confused and infuriated. When I shared my story, I felt that was the truth, there was only one way of looking at it. I felt he had not been listening, that he was callous to my emotional pain. I was not able to see that most of my pain was coming from my perspective. The actions of others and myself were in the past, but I was living with them every moment. As if they were tattooed on my body, which they were, just not visible to the naked eye. I was actively choosing to hold onto pain as proof or testament to what I had lived through. I was trapped in this survival mentality. Now I try to think, "What is the way I can remember my past that will bring me the most options for happiness in the present?". This is not wishful thinking, it is taking responsibility for my own happiness.

Becoming a spiritual adult

The past is no longer a reality, and you cannot change the way things happened by wishing it had been different or remaining sad and angry. The great beauty of the past is that it is fluid, like looking at your reflection in moving water. The water is always moving, so the impression is never the same. Try to see the beauty and the love. When you hold onto disappointments and nurse them, they become a blueprint for how you are wired to receive new information and experiences. This is like being an emotional robot, repeating the same experiences and impressions over and over again. This is not being truly awake and alive, present to the endless possibilities in the new moment. When you stop dreaming, and wake up to this moment, you take responsibility for your perspective on the past. This is becoming a spiritual adult. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became an adult, I put away childish things" (1 Corinthians 13:11). Take responsibility by finding a spiritual practice that heals you, and be accountable to your practice consistently. You do not need to spend a lot of time reaching into the past to remember "what went wrong" and analyzing with your mind, trying to remember. Instead, focus on a higher activity like yoga, which will naturally gravitate you towards healing and reconciling the past. The best way to douse the flames of disturbed thoughts is by simultaneously stilling the mind through self- discipline and engaging yourself in a higher form of activity. When your heart and mind are overwhelmed by emotions connected to the past, do your yoga, surrender to your breath and clarity will come bubbling up like a spring of fresh water.

Freedom for yourself, freedom for your scapegoats

I was teaching a retreat with another teacher I had been romantically involved with. At that point in time, there was a lot of hurt, and the other teacher confided his feelings to the students. It was very difficult for me to remain teaching in that situation where I felt the students might be thinking bad things about me, or not admiring me as a teacher. My mind kept running a monologue that they thought I was not a good person or teacher, that they were more sympathetic to the other teacher, and these thoughts were very painful to me. I was angry with the other teacher and anxious about the students. When I meditated, I was able to just be the witness and hold space, having faith that everything would work out in the highest way for everyone involved. I was able to see that my discomfort was a great teacher, burning away my ego. But my mind would keep slipping back to fear. Even when the retreat was over, I was worried that the students left thinking I was the "bad guy" and that would be their lasting impression, I did not think that was fair. I kept running the situation over in my head, trying to figure out "what went wrong", which flip-flopped between what I worried I had done wrong and feeling like I had been wronged. I knew I was trapped in pettiness and that I needed to surrender it all to God, but I could not stop these thoughts, so I kept bringing them to my practice. One day, I felt a great weight lift from me. I realized that what I wanted most was to be free, and that if I wanted to be free, I had to let everyone else be free also. I had to stop struggling with the idea of fairness and worrying about what other people thought of me. When I felt judged, I wanted to blame someone else. When I let go of blame, I felt free.

To be free of painful memories and disappointments for yourself, you have to let others be free of them too. You have to free people from their role in disappointing you. This is very strong medicine, it is very difficult for the ego to do.

When I look deeply at the people I hold the most anger towards, I see that I am carrying a lot of remorse for my own behavior towards them as well. I see that I must be willing to feel my own regret and forgive myself, and only then can I release my anger towards them. Where I have felt betrayed, I have betrayed also. Where I have felt hurt, I have hurt also. Where I have felt abandoned, I have abandoned also.

Forgiveness is the best medicine

To forgive the dream and to forgive others, you must be willing to re-experience your suppressed emotions. You must be willing to see who you have been. Some memories from decades ago can still make me cringe, to see the way I acted or reacted. It is not easy to look back and really see who I have been when I was afraid. And to respond by loving myself unconditionally, like a mother soothing a child.

Forgive your expectations, release your dreams of how you wish the past had been. Release yourself from these old, tired stories. Release others from this bondage also.
I am willing to see who I have been
I am willing to change
I am willing to see who I truly AM
I am willing to let go and become that

Going with the Divine flow

As you practice your yoga, allow yourself to feel everything, but let these feelings flow; let them continue to transform and move through you. It is tempting to nurse heartbreak, to feel it so deeply; to nurse anger and self-righteousness as a point of pride. Feelings are just energy and energy's nature is to change and flow. When we hold onto these feelings by attaching our ego-identity to them, they become blockages to the flow. They become like calcified knots in our being on the physical, mental and emotional levels. Then we feel pain as the energy tries to flow freely through us, we feel pain where we have hardened. Open to Grace, the ability for change where you thought you were stuck, where you have become hardened to new possibilities. This is Grace's gift if you can accept it.

Becoming empty exercise

Let yourself be an empty vessel for the flow of Divine energy. Release your past, your disappointments and your hardness. Let your soul be naked of the past, in the full bloom of an eternal spring. Inhale and receive the flow of life force, like a wave from the ocean of abundant life, exhale and let it wash out of you, leaving you completely empty. Relax and let the next in-wave fill you, saturating your being on every level, and again let your self be completely empty as the wave washes out of you, washing back to the sea of creation. Your body is like a cave on the shore with the ocean washing in and out, in endless flow and perfection. Practice this visualization for 3-5 minutes, surrendering again and again your mind to the endless flow and fullness of breath and feel how free you are in this present moment.

Prayer for peace with the past

I pray that my heart is clear enough to sing a new song each day, that I am present enough, free of attachments enough- to have an open heart that can be tuned by God each day, each moment, so that I can be an expression of love.

"Let everything that breathes praise God"
-Psalms 150:6

The flowers are breathing. Nature is breathing all around us. On a recent trip to India, I walked out of a grocery shop and was stopped in my tracks by a purple lotus flower growing in a small pond. In the middle of noisy, dirty, crowded India, this flower was becoming itself, growing into its beauty and it was like an offering to my eye. My own breathing slowed down, deepening so that I could absorb the beauty of the flower, it's modest perfection. At that moment I became still, my breath was so open and free it was as if my body dissolved until I was invisible, one with everything. I take notice of moments like these because breathing used to be very painful for me.

When I began yoga, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and was on medication. My biggest torment was my breathing. It was so often painful, fast, shallow. Every breath left me feeling incomplete, as if I was thirsty for water, but my thirst was never quenched. The more I tried to take a deep breath, the more panicked I would become and the more my body would close, so the breath couldn't unfold.

My therapist suggested I try breathing exercises. But I could't sit still, my thoughts would spin and I would become more anxious. The first yoga class I took was power yoga, a very physical form of hatha yoga. It forced me to gulp down more air than I had been getting in a long time. The vigorous movement distracted me from mind chatter that was self-defeating. I lay there 15 minutes after class ended, my body still collapsed on the ground in savasana, I didn't want to move. I felt paralyzed by a goodness that spread through my whole body, I was filled and overflowing with gratitude. I realized how much anger, disappointment and resentment had been living in my body for so long.

I continued to take classes, and the happiness and healing kept growing. I cried and cried in those early months. I didn't care who saw me in class. My mat was my sanctuary, where I came to pray. Every time I overcame my resistance and anxiety and made it to class was like a prayer, an intention to move towards a more fulfilling life. I would listen to my breath. It was like following a thread that connected me to all that was greater than myself. My breath was as vast as the ocean. It washed into me filling me with brightness and life, and washed out of me back to where it came from. I did not feel alone like I had when my breath had been tight and painful. I felt a part of everything, and everything was caring for me, healing me, transforming me. I felt God as a living force of goodness inside and outside me, not as something far away and absent. The religion I grew up with had so many rules and ideas about God. Here I was experiencing God free of ideas, as my personal reality. The sensations I felt in my body lit my heart on fire with devotion for life itself in all forms and especially in myself. I felt a happiness I hadn't even hoped was possible, just by breathing.

Bread of Life

Breath tells us we are not alone. There is some goodness, some great intelligence nourishing us and keeping us alive. Breath is the bread of life, we can go without food and water for extended periods of time, but without breath we are starved of life. It is intimate contact with the outside world, constantly entering and leaving our bodies. It is a deep practice to contemplate your relationship to breath. What is life force? Where does it come from? What is it that sustains your life as surely as the sun shines in the sky and the flowers bloom without effort? We all breathe, but do we breath consciously? Do we breath in a way that we understand what is giving us life, and the quality of that life?

Realize that Life is always present, omnipresent. Maybe you have heard the phrase, "Let the breath breathe you." But what does this mean? It means that without effort, without strain, the in-breath enters our bodies and enlivens us. This is deep. How often do we trust Life to provide for us? And here it is, demonstrated to us with the greatest simplicity in our breath. Without that in-breath, our mind wouldn't even be able to begin giving us worries! Why strain when God's grace and intelligence is sustaining us every moment?

Exercise

Lay down on your back in savasana with your eyes closed. Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Relax your face and body.

With each in breath say to yourself, "I accept life as it comes to me"
With each out breath say to yourself, "I let go"

Continue naming the in and out breaths for 5-10 minutes. When you have finished, lay quietly. Observe the sensations in your body, mind and heart. Listen for intuitive thoughts and feelings. Contemplate how Life supports you and sustains you. Life is playful. It contains the full spectrum of experience and emotion. Life wants to have it's way with you, to move you and move through you. Dissolve yourself into the feeling of being breathed into creation. Let breath be your constant teacher, reflecting your emotions and drawing you closer to the depths of your heart.

"Through death I am born"
-Hopi saying

The story of resurrection exists in most cultures and religions. It seems to be deeply washed in our collective psyche. We also see it in nature; summer dies to fall, fall dies to winter, winter dies to spring. The wave is born from the ocean and dies to become the ocean again. The snake sheds its skin, the caterpillar becomes a butterfly for a brief, sublime moment in time. Our spirits are born into a body, into a certain set of family and cultural circumstances. Then we make choices, find ways to survive and grow. Many of these actions and ways of thinking have come through the subconscious and become spells that bind us. They served us once, but they become limitations to our growth. In yoga, in our choosing a practice to heal, grow and become our deepest self, we begin the process of bringing consciousness to our actions, thoughts and feelings. We begin to be aware of our habit energies. The process of simply being aware can be painful, when we are confronted by what we have supressed for so long. And yet, the only way out is through. Through all the fear, pain and suffering we transend through feeling it all, accepting it all, being true to our embodiment. Meet these difficulties/memories/thoughts/feelings as old friends who need compassion and a cup of tea. Learn to comfort yourself by becoming the mother, father and lover you long for. We cannot escape these longings, because whatever we push away, we are bound to walk the path with again. We cannot escape ourselves, we can only integrate ourselves. Feel everything and laugh at the cosmic joke of it all. Holding truth in two hands...in one hand everything matters and in the other hand nothing matters.

Feel everything and release everything, feel everything and release everything. Being born and dying in every inhale and exhale. Like dancing...be a willing partner to life, sometimes lead, sometimes follow sometimes be willful, sometimes surrender. We must be willing to let our old selves die, our old comforts and habits, and become like babies again, naked in a field of possibilities without self consciousness. We are always free, we are always choiceful. Freedom is a choice, suffering is a choice, love is a choice, surrender is a choice. What you are choosing?

Fear of flying

Have wings that feared ever touched the sun? I was born when all I once feared--I could love.
-Rabia

For transformation to occur, something must die. Something must be let go of, released, given away. Old belief systems and comfort patterns must be broken, like breaking a mold so that our consciousness can be formed into a new vessel. This is not easy, and pain comes up when we don't feel ready to let go of what we know and move toward to the unknown. For what is coming, we cannot know. We can only trust our instincts and the deeper pull of our hearts towards what we love most. Learn to love the uncertainty, but stay grounded in your Self. Take risk, jump the nest you have built and fly.

Know your worth and act with wisdom.
-Yogi Bhajan

I read this quote on the tag of a Yogi tea bag years ago. It made me cry. I was at a point in my life where i had been escaping pain through drug use, both illegal and prescription. I felt weak and tired and I blamed my family, God, the world. I did not know my worth, because if I did, I would have taken care of myself better. I did not like being in my own skin, and I was tortured by the regret and anger in my mind which manifested as anxiety disorder. When I began yoga, I found that spontaneous prayers would bubble up from deep inside me and keep repeating themselves like mantras. I had negative self-talk before, and now I found myself having positive self-talk. One of the phrases that came up most often was, "Thank you Lord God, maker of heaven and earth, maker of my own self". I had felt my own suffering and the suffering of others so acutely, that I had not been glad to be alive. I had not valued my own life and so my actions were self destructive. This mantra was an involuntary prayer of gratitude for being created.

Core strength is knowing your own power, your own unique worth and acting from that place. Speaking from that place. Being alone from that place and in union from that place. You are spirit embodied, you are awesomely and wonderfully made. Tap into your unique voice and let your passions be the fire that fuels your practice, which is your whole life. Manipura (core) shakti is the energy of "I am", of knowing yourself, your purpose and having faith in yourself to create in the world. The gift of the core is passion, vision and fire. The fire is dancing, she is like a snake waiting to rise. She is dancing, she is Grace.

Be a willing partner and enter the fire, be consumed and be reborn.

"There are beautiful wild forces within us. Let them turn the mills inside and fill the sacks That feed even heaven.
-St. Francis of Assisi

God bless, be happy and be free,

psalm

Translatiion and Commentary

Patanjali's Eight Limbs of Yoga

1. Yamas, our attititude to our environment
2. Niyamas, our attitudes towards ourselves
3. Asanas, physical postures and excersizes
4. Pranayama, breathing excersizes
5. Pratyahara, restraint of the senses, turning the senses inward
6. Dharana, concentration, the ability to direct our minds on a fixed object
7. Dhyana, meditation, becoming one with the object of meditation
8. Samadhi, state of cosmic bliss and absorption

There is no greater magic than meditation. To transform the negative into positive. To transform the darkness into light-that is the miracle of meditation.
-Bhagwan Rajneesh

From Patanjali's perspective, Yamas and Niyamas are the starting points for a path of yoga. The eight limbs become more and more subtle as they progress, becoming invisible and energetic in nature. It is important to remember that these moral and ethical guidelines are non-religious, meaning that they are sensible and beneficial to everyone regardless of religion.

You say a prayer in your religion, and I will say a prayer as I know it. Together we will say this prayer, and it will be something beautiful to God.
-Mother Theresa

Our external and internal thoughts and actions are prayers, to Nature, to God, to the highest possibility each of us can imagine and feel.

Yamas

1. Ahimsa, Non-violence
   Consideration for all living things, especially those who are innocent, in difficulty or worse off than ourselves. Non-violence is a deep and personal practice, it requires looking deeply into our conditioned beliefs and habit energy. If we have repression, guilt, shame in ourselves, then we have self-violence and that is magnified out into the world. It is a constant practice to develop awareness of our subconscious and to integrate that into our whole selves. Violent behavior towards others is usually acting out our own repressions. If we make peace in ourselves, then we can be peaceful in the world.
2. Satya, Truthfulness
   Right communication and expression of speech and actions. Our ability to be honest with others depends on our ability to be honest with ourselves. When we are dishonest it is usually based from fear. When we are able to be compassionate with ourselves, we can be honest. It is necessary to let go of fear and be motivated by love for ourselves and others, honesty will naturally follow.
3. Asteya (Achaurya), Non-coveting
   Ability to resist the desire for that which does not belong to us. This is possible when we can be satisfied within ourselves, not always thinking that something else will make us happy or help us suffer less. This is the same as jealousy, which eats away at us and diminishes our ability to feel the fullness, the perfection of ourselves and our unique connection to the Divine.
4. Bramacharya, Purity and Faithfulness
   Acting with purity of heart. Acting from the truth of our own heart's desire for connection to the highest possibility, with friends, family, lovers and the Divine. A heart of devotion and the faith to act in accordance to our own truth.
5. Aparigraha, Non-greediness
   The ability to accept what is appropriate without wanting more. The ability to surrender and accept one's own life path with faith, without fear and worry.

Niyamas

1. Saucha, Purity
   Cleanliness of self and environment. Asana helps to keep the body clean internally, and meditation helps to keep the mind clean, free of clutter.
2. Santosha, Contentment and Simplicity
   Being comfortable with what we have and what we don't have. Being satisfied with what we are able to do, and what we are not able to do.
3. Tapas, Austerity or "to heat the body"
   By heating the body, we cleanse it of impurities. Impurities are simply the things which block our energy, they can be on a physical, mental or emotional level. Tapas also refers to dedication, or discipline. Discipline is not something imposed on us from the outside, because only we know what is best for ourselves. Once we are clear on our intentions it is easy to be disciplined, it is like a form of devotion that wells up inside us naturally and suffuses our whole being.
4. Svadhvaya, Self-study
   When we study the scriptures, it gives us a new vantage point or perspective to see ourselves. We come to self-knowledge through observing ourselves through our thoughts and actions. This is the willingness to know ourselves, our subconscious and our habit energies. The only way to be free is to know ourselves, to let go of fear and conditioning and seek our own heart.
   Again and again, examine Every aspect of your physical and mental activities. In brief, this is the very way of observing mindfulness
   -Shantideva
5. Ishvarapranidhana, self-surrender Surrendering the smaller self, the ego, to the larger self, the infinite and Divine. What our mind can grasp is only a small portion of what truly exists. What our mind thinks we are capable of is only a small portion of what we are truly capable of. Only by surrendering to something we cannot understand with our minds can we touch our true nature. Surrendering to the Mystery with faith in something greater than we are able to comprehend. We can do this by listening to our hearts.
   As swimmers dare to lie face to the sky and water bears them, as hawks rest upon air and air sustains them, so I would learn to attain freefall and float into Creator's deep embrace, knowing no effort earns that all surrounding grace.
   -Denise Levertov

Ethics and morals:

1. Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, because all things are revealed before heaven. For there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed, and there is nothing covered up that will not be uncovered.
   -Jesus from The Gospel of Thomas
2. Speak the truth. Give whatever you can. Never be angry. These three steps will lead you to the presence of the gods.
   -Dhammapada

Notes from my travel Journal | Jan 25, 9am

The question of suffering

Yesterday afternoon was very difficult for me. Pune is a pretty small city in India compared to Mumbai, Delhi or Calcutta. But every time you get into the city, there is the noise, the traffic and the most extreme poverty. The most extreme poverty. It breaks my heart, but I am here for a reason and if I take it all in I will drown and not get anything done. Women come up to me in the dusty streets, covered in dirt with their babies slung to their hips. They do a silent pantomime of holding out their hand to me and then bringing to their mouths to show they need my money to buy food. And their eyes, their eyes are big haunting black discs that convey so much sorrow. Are they really so sad? Are they really so hungry? I don't know, but coming from America it is a terrible thing to see a mother and child asking for money and food like this and to say no. There are so many of them that even if I emptied my wallet, I wouldn't even begin to make a change. And then I would be left with nothing, and wouldn't be able to do the work I came here to do. It seems to me that people who need help usually need more help than you can comfortably give. So I will work on myself, I will let the change in myself grow until it can't help but bring change for others. This is how I usually think of things, people need help, I want to help, but how do I want to help? How can I use my special talents creatively in a way that will bring me the most happiness and contentment?

I have made it a rule for myself not to hand money to people on the street. The first time I came to India, a little boy came begging when I was sitting in a rickshaw stopped in traffic. Rickshaws are basically motorcycles with metal shells on top. They are much cheaper than taxi cars, but they also leave you open to the streets. In a real car, your windows would be rolled up and you would have some distance between yourself and the rest of the world. I gave the boy a rupee note, and then 5-6 more boys came running up, climbing on and into the rickshaw, grabbing me. Traffic began to move and they were almost getting run over, holding on and running along with the rickshaw. The driver began beating them off with a bat. I sat in the back terrified and sickened, I have learned that things escalate quickly here.

I said no so many times yesterday. To an older woman with a small child who dragged the child through traffic to follow me. To a teenage boy with a stump for a leg. To an old man with a cane. To a young mother with the most beautiful face and a baby on her hip, standing at the side of my rickshaw. I remember all of them, I remember their faces even though I put out my hand and say no. Even though I have to pretend I don't see them, looking straight ahead as if they don't exist. Even though I yell at them, "Amma (mother), no, no", begging for them to stop begging from me. They don't just go away when you say no; they stand and stare or grab at you, until you have to be very clear, very insistent on not giving them anything. You have to do it to cross the street, you have to do it to go anywhere, to do anything. I remember all their faces and I am sorry. Sorry that I am not able to help each of them. The Buddha was awakened to suffering in this same country, he must have seen these same faces. It is difficult to be awake to suffering, to not hide in comfort and distractions.

I came back to my hotel last night to have some tea before bed, and there were a group of dogs begging for food. Most of them looked pretty healthy, but one puppy had a lame leg and you could see it's whole skeleton wrapped under its skin. She was a pathetic sight. One of the tables was throwing naan bread to the dogs, and every time the little one ran for some, the other dogs would snarl and scare her away until she limped off, nursing her leg. So I took her in my lap and caught some of the naan bread and fed it to her from my hand. She gobbled it up with her tiny, sharp teeth, almost swallowing it whole. After awhile she must have gotten full, because she stopped eating the naan and curled her tiny head on my lap. All bones, I could see her spine as she curled herself up, like a seashell on my lap. She tucked her head inside my elbow like a little bird. When she looked up at me, she was so small and pitiful, but also beautiful. She is a little blond dog with big black eyes that look like they are rimmed in kajol, the black Indian eyeliner. I sat and held her in my lap, wrapped in my shawl for warmth, trying to give her a little comfort and a resting place. I could feel her little belly breathing against mine, a little bony belly, so fragile. After awhile I had to put her down, I wanted to take her to my room, but I could see the fleas all over her. I put her down and walked away quickly, I looked back and saw her limping behind me, so I walked faster so she could not follow me. I got to my room and started to cry.

So much suffering I am confronted with here. Human suffering, animal suffering, nature is suffering also. It was difficult to breathe. What to do about all this suffering? You do the work that is in front of you. You do the work that wants to be done. You do the work that has begun itself and just asks for you to go with its flow. I know this. I know that everything is suffering, but also everything is bliss, I know this. I know that the people and the little puppy have been born and will die, and that I am attached to the idea of time, of when and how and where. And I believe that we all are involved in choosing our births, our families, and our lives circumstances so we can learn as individuals and inform the whole. I know these things, and I know how silly I am, every day there are hungry dogs and people, and yet I still live my life. But put one little dog right in front of me and I am brought to my knees. I am drowning in my feeling of the suffering of the whole world. I am not looking for answers or philosophy. I just know that when I have to turn someone away, I armor my heart and it hurts me. So I cried and that released my heart, and then I fell asleep.

Today I will do the work that is in front of me, I will take the little dog to the animal hospital. I will do what I can here and now. And tomorrow I will leave for another city, I will leave the little dog behind. And maybe I will have made a difference, and maybe not. But I will have stayed present to the circumstances and genuine to myself. That is all I can ask, to move lightly with love, and to help because it gives me pleasure, not because I am trying to save the world. To do the work that is in front of me, the work that is asking to be done.

Jan 25, 10pm

Someone gave me the name of a vet who came to the hotel to look at the puppy, I have decided to call her Lola. Of course she does not belong to me and I cannot take responsibility for her, but her belly is full of chicken tonight, and she is sleeping soundly wrapped in a warm shawl in my room. The vet was wonderful, he even does yoga! He helped the puppy and then I helped him with his back pain by prescribing some squats, fierce chair pose and uddiyana bandha. He gave the dog an injection for her leg, and said we are best leaving her to find the balance in nature. He said that her little body is strong and most likely she will find the strength to recover herself. The drive for life is so strong in all of us. His words reminded me that it does not all ride on my shoulders, I am not that important. I surrender the dog to God, grace, nature and her own innate intelligence. Earlier today I fed her and when she was full she ambled away to lie on a sunny patch of grass. Her little face was so content and serene, the warmth of the sun was comforting her. There are so many variables that it is a great mystery what will heal her. I caused myself a great deal of suffering last night by putting the weight of the world on my shoulders and not surrendering to that mystery. I am grateful for the encounter, it showed me my attachments, my fear, my limitations and my compassion. Inshallah (God's will be done). Tomorrow I fly to the ashram to be with my guru.